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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22763947">The greatest force of all</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyrevenge/pseuds/milkyrevenge'>milkyrevenge</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, M/M, No Spoilers, Season/Series 02, True Love's Kiss, season 2 episode 10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:14:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,554</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22763947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyrevenge/pseuds/milkyrevenge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Based off of the events from season 2, episode 10 – Arthur is enchanted by a rivaling king to fall in love with another kings daughter, to jeopardize ongoing peace treaty discussions. Arthur is therefore challenged to a duel, a fight to the death. With his mind clouded by the enchantment the Prince of Camelot's chances of winning are slim. The dragon reveals to Merlin that only a kiss from the person Arthur truly loves can break the spell. So who could be the one person that Arthur Pendragon, high and mighty crown prince of Camelot, truly loves? Who's kiss will be the one powerful enough to break the chains around an enchanted heart?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>157</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If this episode-theme has been done before, I can only hope you enjoyed this as well. This little thing might get a continuation sometime eventually, if you want to. Also, since english is neither my first language nor has this been beta-read and it was a very late into the night endavour, please excuse any mistakes.</p><p>I wish to add the typical disclaimer that I do not own nor claim any of the characters from the Merlin TV-Series.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Apart from how desperate the whole situation had developed, Merlin overcame the sudden urge to laugh out loud as he witnessed Gaius' puzzled expression as Arthur squished his face between his hands, babbling about how „love can really conquer all“.</p><p>Ridiculous as it was to see the prince make a complete and utter fool of himself, Merlin was sure he could not stand to see the dopey and love struck gaze on Arthur for much longer.</p><p>He knew either way he wouldn't have to endure, since death was upon them for sure, should Merlin not find a way to break the spell very soon.</p><p>The usually so talented swordsman who cut down groups of enemies on his own had turned into a reckless and unfocused idiot, who seemed almost set on killing himself in front of the royal court and all of Camelot for this annoying woman.</p><p>Arthur could make himself a martyr for many reasons, but this was the worst yet.</p><p><em>Not on my watch</em>, Merlin thought to himself as he stomped out of the tent by the fighting grounds to seek out their only hope of rescue.</p><p>The great dragon may talk in riddles and not relate much to the quarrels of human affairs, but he was interested enough in finding every way to make destiny come true.</p><p>Merlin tried to choose his words in his head while hurrying down the stairs to the cave under the castle.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The dragons laughter echoed against the stone walls. Merlin felt himself grow desperate. This was no time to gloat. This could not be the end of it.</p><p>„Just tell me!“ The beast's eyes sparkled, it's gigantic form shaking. „Why, it is the greatest force of all: Love.“</p><p>The young man blinked twice, had he heard correctly? „Love“, he stated. The dragon gave a slight nod. „You must find the person Arthur truly loves.“</p><p>Merlin felt his stomach drop. „And then what?“ „One kiss from her will break the enchantment, and he will desire Vivian no more.“</p><p>The sorcerer gave out an exasperated breath, nodded to himself and with a last glance at the dragon, turned on his heel.</p><p>He might have hoped for another solution, but there was no time to waste.</p><p>He had to find Gwen as soon as possible and then somehow convince her that after the whole ordeal between the two, she had to kiss Arthur. Again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He knew Gwen would not be in the courtyard to watch the crown prince get ripped to shreds by an infuriated king, so he headed for her house.</p><p>He found her by the window, surely she could not have succeded trying to ignore the noise of Arthurs failure for long. Merlin stormed into the room.</p><p>After making clear of the dire need in which Arthur was and the truth about the whole situation, she finally agreed to help.</p><p>Merlin prayed to the gods that they would make it in time. The gong that signalled the change of weapons assured a small window of time for them to act.</p><p>Gwen gave Merlin a final look and ran ahead, rushing into the tent past Gaius. Merlin stopped next to him and allowed himself to take a deep breath.</p><p>They could do it. She would. Wouldn't she? „Have you found it?“, the physician asked.</p><p>„What? Oh, yes. Yes. I have.“ The young man chewed on his lower lip in anticipation, was it working? Was the spell broken?</p><p>„And? Where is it? Merlin?“ Gaius inquired, brows raised.</p><p>„In..there. With him. Gwen has to do it.“ At that, the older man layed his head to the side, sceptically. „Ah, I see. Well then let's hope she has the desired effec-“</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He was cut off by the tent flapping open violently and Gwen storming outside. „Merlin!“, she sounded more than desperate. Not happy at all.</p><p>She should have been happy. <em>Oh no. No</em>. „Merlin it has not worked. He's just- He just shoved me off!“</p><p>What? He took her by the arms. „What, no, Gwen, how can that be? It must be you!“</p><p>She shook his hands off. „How can it be? I told you, he doesn't love me! It isn't me!“ Now they were almost yelling.</p><p>„Well then who does he fucking love?“ Merlin was shaking, panicked. They were running out of time.</p><p>At that, Gwen caught his wrist in an iron grip and tugged him after her into the tent. „You giant idiot! It's you!“</p><p>Merlin was starting to stutter an answer when suddenly, his left cheek started to sting. Gwen had slapped him across the face.</p><p>„Merlin, I'm sorry but we don't have time for this. Do it or I swear on my fathers memory I will kick you off the castle walls!“</p><p>He would have argued but he had never seen her this angry. Gwen stomped out of the tent.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>In all this confusion Merlin had almost forgotten the person this whole chaos was about – Arthur. Who was standing right there, next weapon in hand.</p><p>„If you two could have your silly quarrels elsewhere, I have a match to prepare for, and I intend to win it for my Lady Vivian“, the blonde chimed, fairly unaffected by the tension that had been thick enough to cut into slices just a second before.</p><p>„Arthur“, Merlin noticed him, aghast.</p><p>He was now coming to his senses, the sudden reality of what he was supposed to do settling in. His heart was pounding, blood rushing in his ears.</p><p>He could not yet grasp the meaning of what Gwen had truly said. But he knew what he had to do, though.</p><p>He had to give it a try, if he wasn't willing to risk Arthurs death. And he wasn't.</p><p>„Merlin, are you deaf? Get out!“, Arthur commanded, now sounding a little bit more like his usual self, with his usual special annoyance face that was solely reserved for Merlin.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>That's what it took for him. „No.“</p><p>He almost charged at Arthur, forcefully grabbing him by the neck and sealing their lips together.</p><p>What started out quite violently turned soft in a matter of seconds, as the young warlock realized that he was not, in fact, being shoved away.</p><p>He felt Arthurs hands grip at his waist like a drowning man, his kiss being reciprocated deeply.</p><p>Just as Merlins knees grew weak and he was sure they would give out if not for Arthur holding him, he felt the man before him stiffen, then let go.</p><p>He slowly opened his eyes, staring into that familiar clear blue like sunny winter mornings.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It felt as if time had slowed, which suddenly now went really fast.</p><p>„Merlin, are you MAD?“ Arthur jumped half a meter across the room, away from him like he had burned himself. „What the hell is going on?“</p><p>Merlin had no time to digest what had just happened.</p><p>„Sire, you are fighting in a death match against Lady Vivians father. You have declared your love for her and were challenged. You were under a spell.“</p><p>The signal tune sounded from outside. He handed Arthur his helmet. „You need to go.“ Arthur looked just as puzzled as he felt, but he could see his demeanor change to the experienced warrior that Merlin secretly admired. „I see.“ The second Arthur was about to slip outside, Merlin stopped him.</p><p>„Arthur!“ The prince looked back over his shoulder. „Yeah?“ Merlin swallowed. „Please survive?“</p><p>A short nod and a glimmer of silver armour and he could hear the last round being anncounced.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If his heart had pounded before, it was now about to jump out of his chest.</p><p>On shaky legs he followed outside and settled against the fences next to Gwen.</p><p>She looked relieved, but worried. As he stood beside her, she grabbed his hand, this time much softer than just minutes before. „He will win.“</p><p>She looked at him. „I told you it wasn't me. And now he will win.“</p><p> </p><p>And win he did.</p><p>Charming and wise as Arthur could be, he even managed to salvage what was left of the chances for a successful peace treaty.</p><p>How the golden haired crown prince had turned the tides in battle and shown mercy to his challenger had turned into him into the talks of town, and court, for days on end.</p><p>Merlin on the other hand, wished that they would please finally stop, needn't he be reminded of that day every waking hour.</p><p><em>Merlin, are you MAD?</em>  Arthurs reaction haunted him day and night.</p><p>But what was even worse was that he couldn't even begin wanting to unterstand what it meant that the kiss had worked from him, and not from Gwen.</p><p>The dragon had said, a kiss from her. Apparently it had only been a figure of speech, since the creature could not have known the wrongness of it's words.</p><p>Merlin had been so sure after all that had happened, it must be Gwen. It could only be Gwen. But it was not Gwen. Why was it not?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Groaning, feeling the urge to throw something or better yet himself against the wall, he let himself slump onto his bed.</p><p>Working as a manservant for the prince had been exhausting enough so far, but who knew how hard it could be when you tried to actually avoid said prince?</p><p>He could not bear looking into those damned blue eyes, lest they might be filled with hatred, disgust, anger.</p><p>Luckily enough it had seemed as if Arthur wasn't keen on spending more time than necessary with Merlin either. Which only only made everything worse.</p><p>Gwen was also set on convincing Merlin to have a heart to heart with him, which felt far from a good idea to say the least.</p><p>Maybe he could let things cool down and settle themselves, and then they could go on as if nothing unusual had ever happened in that god-forsaken tent.</p><p>Tired from emotional and physical exhaustion, Merlin fell quickly into a restless sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following days occured to him in a blur.</p><p>Merlin would have never described his day to day life as calm or at least somewhat easy, but the usual routine of having to care for a prince was broken.</p><p>It started out with him dreading to even meet Arthur and prolonging said event by seemingly oversleeping the day following the trial.</p><p>Merlin could hear Gaius shuffling around the main chaimber, tinkering and clinking with his many appliances and herbs.</p><p>He could feel that the old man was waiting for him to get up, but as it suddenly grew silent the young warlock just hid deeper beneath his thin linen sheet.</p><p>He'd rather have Arthur angry at him for being late, than still with that expression of disgust on his features. It would be unbearable.</p><p>Suddenly, there was a knock on the wood sheltering him from those very possible and dreadful realities.</p><p>Then he was sure he'd heard a deep sigh of exasperation on the other side of the door.</p><p>„Merlin, you need to get up“, Gaius said as he opened the door carefully and entered the room.</p><p>He stood at the end of the bed, softly tugging at the sheet over Merlins cold feet.</p><p>„Silly boy. Whatever it is, you need to stop sulking and get out there, or I am sure Arthur will soon have your head for neglecting your duties.“</p><p>Merlin groaned and sat up, defiance in his eyes.</p><p>The old man didn't have to act as if he didn't know a thing, surely somehow he had the right feeling for Merlins misery, as he so often did.</p><p>Admitting defeat, Merlin got up and as ready for the day as he could.</p><p>As evidence to the mess in his head, he put on his shirt inside out and had to be saved from ridicule by his mentor pointing it out with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.</p><p> </p><p>Merlin's plan regarding facing his master displeased was, predictably, very successful.</p><p>As soon as he opened the door he almost landed on his bottom in pure horror, as a very pissed Arthur stood immediately on the other side, all crossed arms and square shoulders.</p><p>„Delightful morning to you, Merlin. I hope you slept well“, the prince hissed, his eyes turned to slits.</p><p>Merlin stood frozen, unwilling to meet Arthurs gaze, head bowing to the ground instead. „I am incredibly sorry my lord. It won't happen again, I promise.“</p><p>At that, Arthur raised a brow, looking askant at him.</p><p>„Save it. Don't you have stuff to catch up on? Go on“, he growled but didn't show the slightest interest in making way for Merlin to enter his chambers.</p><p>Merlin swallowed, forced to slip through the thin gap between Arthur's hard shoulder and the wooden door frame.</p><p>In the process of slipping through, he brushed the taller mans hip with his crotch, and as if that hadn't been enough, inhaling Arthur's scent so closely even for just a single breath was enough to almost knock him off his feet.</p><p>Doing so facing Arthur had been a very bad idea.</p><p>It took him a minute to sort his head and start remembering what he had to do. Clean up, see to the prince's breakfast and get him ready for the day.</p><p>Thank god, he prayed, that the blonde had already been dressed. Squeezing past a shirtless Arthur would have killed him.</p><p> </p><p>Over the next few days, the crown prince's temper grew shorter while Merlin grew more and more frustrated.</p><p>The tension between them developed thick enough to feel immobilized in their presence.</p><p>To Merlin, all Arthur-related matters turned mentally draining and his stomach dropped every time he had to think about him, which was, thanks to his job as Arthur's personal punching bag, constant.</p><p>Even eating was something that lost it's pleasure, the young mage's big appetite vanishing into thin air.</p><p>Gaius worried and asked, but this was not something Merlin wanted to discuss.</p><p>He took every distraction he could, even if it meant studying heavy anatomy books late into the night to stop himself from fearing for the next day.</p><p>His glorious destiny turned out to be a goddamn nightmare.</p><p>It riddled him that one incident could so quickly change their dynamic, damaging their friendship to this extent.</p><p>The normal bickering wasn't even funny anymore, every word stung like a hot needle to his guts.</p><p>What drove him mad above all was that still, he felt so terribly drawn to Arthur. It physically hurt him to be away, it mentally hurt him to be close.</p><p>He was caught in some kind of a viscious circle.</p><p>All this madness resulted in him becoming more and more unable to concentrate doing his job, especially if it involved physical contact.</p><p>He dropped a gauntlet while readying the prince for battle, which caused Arthur looking like he wanted to kick him across the yard.</p><p>He spilled wine while serving dinner, causing even more angry tirade than usual. He got forgetful.</p><p>Awkwardness or tense was not enough to describe their relationship anymore.</p><p> </p><p>His master hadn't been easy to handle before for sure, but Arthur had developed into a stubborn hotheaded dick, and most of the time he looked as if he had just bitten into a sour fruit.</p><p>Other servants seemed almost scared to take his orders. His knights had to suffer at his hand during training.</p><p>As talk rushed through the castle faster than wildfire spread, Merlin caught talks of Arthur being distracted in court meetings and even losing his temper with his father in front of everyone during a discussion.</p><p>It got as far as Uther yelling at his son to get rid of whatever discraction was keeping him from fulfilling his duties as crown prince and that he needed to learn how to keep his emotions level, quickly.</p><p>Knowing this, fear blossomed in the young mage's chest and wouldn't make way for anything else.</p><p>It was a logical choice, of course, for Athur to get rid of him. He had overstepped boundaries, more than once.</p><p>He had turned out to be an even more useless servant than before. What need could he have for him in this state, if it was even affecting his duties?</p><p>It was only wise advice not to keep him around any longer. He could be replaced.</p><p> </p><p>So Merlin could not escape. Merlin felt like dropping dead to the ground as he heard Arthur rush out of the throne room, calling him to his side and telling him to follow to his chambers. As Merlin entered, he saw the prince close the door.</p><p>„Look at me.“ A command. When their eyes met, he felt his blood run cold. „This has to stop.“</p><p>Arthur clasped his hands behind his back, staring him down, and Merlin couldn't read his face.</p><p>There was no warmth in Arthurs eyes as there always was for him, even when he had fucked up and made him mad. This was different.</p><p>He could tell the prince was shielding his emotions from him. Merlin knew this face a bit too well.</p><p>It was the warrior, preparing himself to go in for the kill. Clean, simple and without a shadow of a doubt. There was no room for hesitation.</p><p><em>I haven't felt true fear until now</em>, Merlin realized. He swallowed, mouth dry as a desert.</p><p>„It does“, he answered, voice raw and almost a whisper. Going on like this would be pointless, he couldn't take it anymore.</p><p>He heard Arthur take a deep breath. „Merlin, I hereby relieve you of your duties as my manservant. You are free to go.“</p><p>Stepping away from the door, he added „Just- just go“.</p><p>To his own surprise, Merlin didn't feel like crying. „So this is how you wan't to solve this?“</p><p>He felt hot rage rush down his spine. Something changed in Arthurs eyes, just for a second, before Merlin could watch him catch himself and turn cold again.</p><p>„You cannot change my mind. Leave.“</p><p> </p><p>The young warlock curled his hands into fists, he could feel his magic reacting to his emotions, but he couldn't give in to the temptation of zapping Arthur with just a little bit of lightning.</p><p>He could feel it crackle at his fingertips. The ungiving force that was Arthurs sharp gaze made him sick to his stomach.</p><p>This was so different from them. Merlin felt his insides break into pieces.</p><p>But he wouldn't cry in front of Arthur, he had to keep his last piece of dignity, so he ran out of the room, the wooden door splintering a bit as it clashed against the wall.</p><p>Had he looked back over his shoulder, he would have seen Arthur wince at the sheer force, letting his shoulders fall and head sink in defeat.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Whew, this wasn't easy. I don't like for them to suffer, but this is the angst I promised, at least some of it. Bittersweet is a personal favourite taste. Let me know if you liked it, and I shall deliver some more.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Quick alert: This chapter changes to Arthur's point of view. It felt unfair to only provide insight into Merlins inner turmoil, so this should clear things up a bit.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Arthur swallowed hard.</p><p>Only when he was absolutely sure he couldn't hear Merlins quick footsteps anymore, he dared to face the door and close it, locking it in the process.</p><p>Suddenly he felt endlessly tired, his straight and noble posture weakening. He could drop the act now.</p><p>The prince leaned against the door, fighting the urge to sink down to the floor. Instead, he let himself slump into his armchair, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>He could feel that if he let it happen, he would cry. But that wouldn't help. It was his decision after all.</p><p>It was hard not to listen to the whispers of regret in his head. He had regretted it immediately after informing Merlin of his decision.</p><p>That look in his eyes, Arthur had almost stopped himself right then and there. But he couldn't.</p><p>He could not let whatever their relationship had turned into come between him and his duties as prince.</p><p>He had to prioritize his responsibilities towards Camelot over anything, or anyone.</p><p>Arthur forced himself to sit up straight. He had to pull himself together. </p><p> </p><p>Yes, Merlin had grown on him much more than any servant ever had, or should, for that matter.</p><p>Yes, he had enjoyed having him around, even if the young man was not the most responsible, but he had been reliable. Always.</p><p>Arthur fought the feeling of guilt rising in his chest. The day everything had started to crumble, hadn't Merlin only done his duty?</p><p>To protect the prince, no matter what? If kissing him had truly been the only way to break that spell, wouldn't he have been guilty of treason, if he hadn't done so?</p><p>Suddenly, Arthur felt more than guilty. He felt unjust.</p><p>Being righteous and fair had always been the most important thing to him, next to his loyalty to Camelot and his father. Doing what was right.</p><p>That was the kind of king he wanted to be. Arthur felt himself grow restless in his seat.</p><p> </p><p> <br/>
He got up and walked over to the window, resting his hands on the windowsill after opening it. The evening sky was lit in multiple shades of pink and orange.</p><p>He watched the townspeople get ready for the night, shooing animals inside and candles burning in tiny houses.</p><p>Chewing on his lip thoughtfully, Arthur could hear his father scold him inside his head.</p><p>It wouldn't do him good to let himself be affected by a simple, necessary change of staff. It wasn't to be considered anything more than that.</p><p>But Arthur knew if he tried to believe that, he would only be lying to himself.</p><p>Merlin was like his shadow, always close enough to call, always there, ready to fall back on.</p><p>It had indeed done him good not to be handled with care at all times.</p><p>His servant forgot his place so often, but it was useful not to be treated as nobility sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>Arthur would never admit it to him, though. It would send Merlin flying for days on end. He wouldn't hear the end of it.</p><p>Imagining Merlin with that smug grin on his face, Arthur couldn't help but smile to himself. Realizing that felt like a sting to his chest.</p><p>What had he done? His relentless frustration with Merlin had driven him up the wall constantly for the past week.</p><p>The inability to decipher his feelings, then the turmoil inside his guts, had angered him to no end.</p><p>It was like that day in the tent, Merlin had flipped some kind of switch inside him.</p><p>A longing for something he wasn't sure he could find, an emptiness to fill, something broken to piece together.</p><p>The time before the kiss was like a blurry memory to him, but after that, everything became clear as day.</p><p>Arthur had gotten a taste of what being complete felt like when Merlin had pressed against him, when he could smell and taste him so close he wasn't sure where he ended and the other man begun.</p><p>And then reality had struck him like a slap to the face, a hard kick to the stomach.</p><p>The realization of what this meant for him, for them, had made his insides boil.</p><p>If Arthur knew one thing to be true, it was that this was not possible to happen for him in this lifetime. He could never arrange for it to work.</p><p>Being with a man, with a commoner of all damned things, was no option for a prince.</p><p>He had to assure Camelot's future by providing an heir, by marrying strategically and strengthening their forces.</p><p>A prince had to consider wealth and political allies, not love and happiness. There was no way he could get away with wanting something different.</p><p>Contentment was a byproduct of being a good king, of making ends meet and providing for the people. He was supposed to find his happiness in that.</p><p> </p><p>Then Arthur got angry. His life was not his own, no.</p><p>Neither his body belonged solely to him, nor his mind, and not even his soul.</p><p>There was so much at stake, so many fates resting on his shoulders. That was the price of luxury. He didn't ask to be born into nobility.</p><p>But he was not regent yet. Was he not allowed to be selfish, just once?</p><p>It had been hard to come to terms with what Merlin breaking the spell had unleashed, what it had set free inside him.</p><p>He had always considered himself as only infatuated with women. He had admired many girls, his recent turmoil with Gwen providing enough proof.</p><p>But with nobody he had ever felt as comfortable being himself as with Merlin. He had nothing to prove to him, nothing to hide.</p><p>With him, Arthur didn't have to keep up a front at all times. Merlin was pure good, mischievous often but he never judged him for anything.</p><p>He had only ever wanted to see good in him, and helped set him on the right path more than once. Arthur leaned his head against the cool stone wall.</p><p>Nobility and rules aside, he needed to fix this. He wanted to.</p><p>Even if it meant swallowing his pride and risking rejection from the only person he knew could hurt him deeper than any of Uthers words ever could.</p><p>Because Merlin wasn't manipulative. He was honest. And honesty he deserved, even if he decided to leave after all.</p><p>Arthur wouldn't hold it against him after being such a prick.</p><p> </p><p>Oh, he could hate himself. For not being the perfect son, the ideal prince, what Camelot needed.</p><p>There were hundreds of things he could change about himself to make him fit the picture his father wanted everyone to see.</p><p>Arthur decided he was done lying. At least to the person that mattered to him the most.</p><p>He would have to sacrafice his soul for Camelot sooner or later, but he would take the opportunity to set things right.</p><p>Didn't he deserve a little bit of freedom before taking over the reigns and binding himself to the throne?</p><p>Arthur was already giving this kingdom his blood, sweat and tears every day. But his heart still belonged to him.</p><p>In truth he knew, it belonged to high cheekbones and wise eyes. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Merlin didn't care where he was headed. He just knew that if he didn't get out of Arthurs room fast, he would either suffocate or explode.</p><p>After fleeing blind eyed like a deer running from a wolf, Merlin didn't know where he was. When he finally stopped, his lungs were burning and his knees shook.</p><p>He realized he had left the castle walls behind him and entered the surrounding woods.</p><p>Merlin understood the dangers of these woods too well, thanks to plenty of experience saving his and Arthur's butts from angry creatures and bandits.</p><p><em>Arthur!</em> Merlin wanted to scream. Exhausted as he was, he couldn't make a sound. Catching his breath, the reality of what had happened set in.</p><p>He had been relieved of his duties. He would no longer serve Arthur.</p><p>For a second, Merlin knew he might as well feel relieved. No more chores for stuck-up royalty.</p><p>No more taking the blame for the prince's shenanigans and rescuing the most ungrateful bastard he ever met. But he didn't.</p><p>Fate be damned, what would his purpose be now? He had no reason to stay in Camelot anymore. He could never stay, not after all that had happened.</p><p>Merlin continued walking, without direction. Who cared what happened to him anyways? Arthur had just wanted him to leave.</p><p>Sure he could defend himself, but he felt it pointless. Maybe he should disappear. Arthur didn't want him anymore. He was useless.</p><p>Wandering deeper into the wilderness, it got dark very quickly. Merlin didn't care at all. When the air turned cold, his feet felt heavy.</p><p>Soon, the young warlock couldn't see much in the dark, his vision blurry with tears and filled with silhouettes and shapes in the fog.</p><p>Merlin stumbled onwards like the undead, tripping over a root.</p><p> </p><p>The ground was soft, covered in a thick layer of leaves. It felt welcoming and familiar, like the forest called for him to stay.</p><p>Whether it was his magic reacting to the earth or his mind playing tricks on him, he didn't care. On the ground he stayed.</p><p>Whispers of leaves rushed like the blood in his ears, thumps of paws on the forest floor pounded like his heart in his chest.</p><p>The emptiness inside him weighed him down like a stone, breathing felt like a fight he couldn't win. There was no purpose to try.</p><p>Eyes wide open, he felt blind.</p><p>Merlin could smell it, the damp earth, nature in various states of decay and rebirth all around him. This felt fair, this felt just, for it to end like this.</p><p>Such a horrible future fate had chosen for him, which he had not been able to fulfill. All that he was promised and supposed to do had turned out to be lies.</p><p>All his suffering, all his fighting, and for what? It was pointless to endure after all.</p><p>The longer he layed there, the more he felt his anger leave him. Life was unfair, this was something he knew was truer than knowing the sky to be blue.</p><p>It was foolish to hope for something else. So much had happened to make him one. Everything he had learned, magic was old as the earth.</p><p>Truth lied only in life and death. Maybe he could avenge his fate in the next life. Maybe he could do better.</p><p>Maybe, <em>oh gods please</em>, Arthur wouldn't send him away.</p><p>Safety was the castle, and danger was the world outside, he could leave it up to fate once more. Merlin dug his fingers into the soil.</p><p><em>Let it be different when I awake</em>, he prayed. So he closed his eyes and let exhaustion take control of his body, succumbing to darkness and destiny.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Sleep had felt like a fever dream.</p><p>Noise did not wake him, but the forest was not silent at night, his subconscious knew the familiar sounds of animal cries and anything else around him.</p><p>But Merlin was left unharmed, he realized, as he opened his eyes and hearing returned to his ears.</p><p>The first feeling of disappointment fled quickly as he was shaken roughly.</p><p>He looked into the face of Gwen, tears staining her cheeks, pressing him to her chest so close he couldn't breathe.</p><p>„Merlin! Oh thank the gods you are alright!“ She was weeping, smiling trough her sobs.</p><p>Looking over her shoulder, he could make out Morgana standing tall in armour, looking pleased, sword at her side, holding two horses at the reins.</p><p>She had the appearance of a goddess. Gwen held him at arms length. „You are alright, are you not? Merlin?“ He took a deep breath, trying to avoid her eyes.</p><p>„Y-Yes.“ Being pulled to his feet, he realized how cold he was. „My toes are a little numb, but I'm alright.“</p><p>The lady Morgana mounted her gray one. „Very good. Because we're going to take you back, and we can't have you fall off the horse every few steps, can we?“</p><p>Merlin's eyes grew wide. „No! I can't! I mean it, you cannot take me back!“</p><p>Gwen gripped his shoulder hard, as if afraid he'd make a run for it.</p><p>„Yes you can. Be glad we found you as soon as we did. You can explain yourself at my house. Now come on!“ She shoved him towards the second horse.</p><p>Merlin felt warmth grow on his cheeks. Gwen really did care for him. He felt foolish, even if the sadness wasn't gone. He didn't want to go back.</p><p>He wanted to hide in a cave, wallow in despair and stay there until he forgot his name and why he was there to begin with.</p><p>But Gwen's, and especially Morganas face, didn't look like they'd allow any of that.</p><p>„Get on the horse, Merlin. No matter what you plan on doing, I advise you to forget it. I promised Gwen to bring you back with her and so I will.“</p><p>Morgana's hand rested on the grip of her sword threateningly.</p><p>He couldn't quite explain the glance she shot her maid, but his head was too chaotic to think about it much further.</p><p>So Merlin reluctantly climbed into the saddle, Gwen sitting down behind him, making sure he couldn't fall or flee.</p><p>„Let's go home, alright? Everything is going to be fine, I promise“, she had lowered her voice so only he could hear her words, while their horse followed Morgana's.</p><p>Gwen reached past his waist and rested her hand on his reassuringly.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The ride was over far quicker than anticipated.</p><p>To Merlin it had seemed like he had run across half the kingdom, but evidence spoke differently since the girls were able to find him before the second night had gone by.</p><p>Thankfully, Camelot didn't care about them much when they arrived, and Morgana had excused herself after setting foot behind castle walls.</p><p>Gwen had quickly shooed him into her home, sitting him down at the table and forcing some food into him.</p><p>„You can be thankful it's not winter, even if you look white as snow. Merlin I swear, never scare me like that again! Or Gaius, he was worried sick!“</p><p>Hearing his mentor's name, Merlin jolted as if pinched. Gaius! What had he done? How could he have left him just like that?</p><p>Gwen sat down in front of him, placing a cup of water on the table. „Morgana will tell him you're alright. Don't worry.“</p><p>She rested her hands in her lap, fidgeting with her dress. „Now tell me what happened. It's not like you to do something like that, Merlin. Please?“</p><p>Her warm eyes and pleading face undid whatever knot Merlin had tied inside him, keeping him from breaking down on the way home.</p><p> </p><p>Explaining how his last encouter with Arthur had went seemed to make it even more real.</p><p>Phrasing out loud what he had said, how the prince had looked, hurt like experiencing it all over again. Merlin didn't even realize he was tearing up.</p><p>Gwen listened vigilantly. She reminded him that even after what had happened, not all was lost. Gaius loved him like a son, he had many friends in Camelot.</p><p>He was not useless at all. Eventually, she had grown silent.</p><p>After Merlin didn't know what to say anymore, she rose from her seat to refill the cup of water, her back to him, facing the window.</p><p>„I meant what I said that day, you know? It's you, to him anyway. Maybe he doesn't realize it, but it will always be you.“</p><p>Merlin could hear in her voice how much strength it took her to admit this. He knew she had been in love with Arthur, she probably still was.</p><p>But she had decided to do what was right, even if it tore her apart, for Arthur and for Camelot.</p><p>Gwen was brave, selfless and the best friend he could ever wish for. But she was wrong, too.</p><p>„But how can that be, Gwen? You didn't see his eyes. He was ruthless. Just like Uther sending one more person to the pyre.“</p><p>He scoffed. „Arthur doesn't love me.“</p><p>Gwen turned around and sat down next to him.</p><p>„Then how do you explain your kiss breaking the spell? That has to mean something! I don't know anything about magic or spells or any of that but they require the truth for something like this, do they not?“</p><p>She started pacing, then abruptly stopped. „Ask someone who knows about these things. Then we will know for sure, right?“</p><p>Merlin had been staring at the wall, now turning his focus to Gwen, blinking twice in confusion.</p><p>„Ask who? It's not like I can go out looking for knowledgeable sorcerers.“ His friend looked outright disappointed in him, crossing her arms in front of her chest.</p><p>„I didn't ask how you knew the solution to break the enchantment, Merlin. I don't need to know. But surely you can find whoever gave it to you again?“</p><p>Dumbfounded, the young mage closed his eyes.</p><p>Of course. This whole ordeal had really messed with his brain. The dragon had either lied, been mistaken, or spoken the truth.</p><p>Either way, he had a bone to pick with the creature for forcing him into this madness in the first place.</p><p>Maybe he was afraid to get an answer he didn't want to be true. Maybe it was tearing him up inside. But he could not endure this much longer.</p><p>Since burying himself in the woods was not an option anymore, and disappearing was not as easy as imagined, Merlin sighed and got up.</p><p>„Gwen, remind me to sneak you sweetrolls from the kitchen, yes?“ He kissed her on the cheek and then he was out the door.</p><p>Merlin would get the truth. But first, he had to find Gaius.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Was this angsty as hell? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely. I hope you did as well!<br/>If anyone likes to know, this chapter was fueled by the song "Old Wounds" from PVRIS.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On the way to the castle, Merlin's mind was racing, his feet moving on their own.</p>
<p>How Gwen was willing to put everyones needs first, above her own feelings, had shown him what was important.</p>
<p>She only wanted him to be happy, for Arthur to be happy. Talking to her had cleared his mind, even if it had only added fuel to the fire in Merlin's guts.</p>
<p>Butterflies was a term that didn't apply here. He was way past that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin was terrified, excited, worried, motivated by the very possibility, afraid, even daring to be a little bit hopeful.</p>
<p>He knew this was not much different for him, than for Gwen. If only, it was even more complicated. So Merlin was overthinking every scenario he could imagine.</p>
<p>What if Arthur hated him after all? What if he had already replaced him permanently? The feeling of jealousy burned behind his eyes.</p>
<p>Someone else being as close to Arthur as he had been made him blind with rage. What he could lose, what if he had already lost it?</p>
<p>No more sleepy Arthur in the morning, messed up golden hair and drowsy blue eyes, glaring at Merlin for waking him.</p>
<p>It was worth it, every time, to no one else would he ever grant that view.</p>
<p>No more hard muscle under soft skin, accidental touches while dressing the prince for the day or helping him to a bath. No more wolfish grins or piercing gazes.</p>
<p>No more flustered Arthur when something cheeky Merlin had mumbled reached flushing ears.</p>
<p>No more intoxicating sweaty Arthur, proving just how much death and destruction he could bring upon his enemies, how much havoc he could wreak, how alarmingly stunning he looked.</p>
<p>Merlin realized he would let the prince smite him, if that was the last thing he could see, he would leave this world a happy man.</p>
<p>How he hated and adored him, showing off just how well Arthur could charm the hell out of princesses and kings alike, a silvertongue in his brightest moments.</p>
<p>Losing Arthur would mean no more dollophead prince fucking up royally and needing Merlin to save his sorry ass one more time.</p>
<p>And how the young Pendragon could seem so wise and centuries old with grief when he was concerned for his kingdom.</p>
<p>Oh lord, Merlin thought, he would gladly kneel at Arthur's feet forever if it meant being close to him. He would give up his life for him in a heartbeat.</p>
<p>Maybe fate had found the only fool infatuated enough to go through hell for this man. Merlin's very soul twisted in agony at the thought of losing him.</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>Completely lost in his thoughts, Merlin had almost run over Gaius in the very moment he was about to open the door.</p>
<p>The old man yelped and upon recognizing the intruder, grabbed him by the sleeve, tugging him into the room.</p>
<p>„Merlin! You almost gave me a heart attack! Oh, look at you. Where for heavens sake have you been?!“</p>
<p>The young sorcerer followed and wiggled himself free, then looking to the ground sheepishly. He really had been selfish disappearing like that.</p>
<p>„Gaius, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have run off like that.“</p>
<p>His mentor slapped him lightly on the arm with some sort of root, then sat down creaking like the chair itself.</p>
<p>„You better be sorry, you silly boy. Nothing can be hopeless enough to disappear, you know. Especially not... Well.“ He looked at the young warlock expectantly.</p>
<p>„Why don't you indulge me? I may be old but I am not blind yet, and I can see you're beyond lovesick.“</p>
<p>Merlin made a face and filled him in on the rough story, which the old man didn't seem surprised to hear at all. „Ah. Yes, so now you wish for the dragon to clarify.</p>
<p>I must remind you that these creatures live for riddles. You may not get the answer you desire. Also, must I remind you that Arthur is the prince of Camelot, too?</p>
<p>Not only are you not a woman, a commoner, but also a sorcerer? Should you desire a quick death I assure you, there are more painless ways, Merlin.“</p>
<p>These issues weren't necessarily Merlins favourite to discuss with Gaius, but the older man had a point.</p>
<p>Which was a good explanation for Arthurs reaction, to be fair, even if he reciprocated Merlin's damned feelings.</p>
<p>However bad the odds were, he had to find out the truth. After that, who knew what would happen. The young mage sighed in exasperation.</p>
<p>„I- I know. But I cannot change what happened, Gaius. At least, I need some answers. Otherwise I'm going to go insane.“</p>
<p>At this, the court physician's eyes grew soft. „I wish you luck, Merlin. I really do. Destiny has something planned for you both, I know that.</p>
<p>Promise me to be careful with whatever knowledge the dragon grants you.“ Merlin was already on his way to the door.</p>
<p>„Thanks, Gaius. I will.“ He had no time to waste. Whatever it was that he would discover, he couldn't risk too much time passing.</p>
<p>He wanted to know, now.</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>Sneaking past the guards was not easy while feeling like everyone in a five meter radius must be able to hear your heart jumping out of your chest.</p>
<p>Upon entering the cave under the castle, Merlin was sure it would give out any moment.</p>
<p>But he had to consult the dragon again and force the truth out of him, even if he dropped dead after that.</p>
<p>To say he was feeling lightheaded would have been an understatement.</p>
<p>The young mage found himself at the edge of the cliffs again, the creature nowhere to be seen, only the clashing of chains betraying the silence.</p>
<p>„Dragon!“, he called out, echo reverberating from the stone walls. „Please, I-“ he cleared his throat. „I need you to tell me the truth!“</p>
<p>Sounds of wings cutting through the air, wind rising, a roar. With imposing grace, the giant creature settled on the cliff.</p>
<p>„The truth, young warlock?“, it's voice sounded in his head. „I do not believe to have ever seen you in such a state“, it determined.</p>
<p>Merlin told himself to stand his ground. He needed to know. „You told me that only true love could break the spell on Arthur! Is it true?“</p>
<p>The dragon layed his giant head to the side, wings flush to it's body. „As true as your magic belongs to you. As true as the old religion itself.“</p>
<p>Merlin grew impatient. Yes, a clear answer would have been too much to ask for.</p>
<p>„So the wrong person could never have lifted the enchantment? Whoever did that is really Arthur's one and only true love?“</p>
<p>Laughter filled the void inside the cave. „Yes, young warlock! True love can not be deceived. It is much too powerful.“</p>
<p>So this was it. Merlin had a hard time believing these words, it couldn't be, not really. So many things didn't make much sense to him.</p>
<p>„Why does he hate me now, then? Tell me, what use is my magic if I cannot get him back, after that? Why does it only make me suffer?</p>
<p>Why do I have to save him, only to lose him after all?“ His desperation was obvious in his voice now, cracking, his hand holding the torch trembling.</p>
<p>The dragon's eyes seemed almost sympathetic. „I see. Believe me, Merlin, it is not only destiny that binds you two together. It is also your hearts.“</p>
<p>„But what if Arthur doesn't feel the same? What if he doesn't let me stay beside him? How can I protect him, fulfill this great destiny, if he shoves me away?“</p>
<p>The dragon let out a deep, hot breath, enveloping the young man in it's warmth, as if to blow his doubts away.</p>
<p>„It is just like him to be unable to see what is true right away, is it not?“</p>
<p>Merlin sunk to the cold stone floor. He felt like crumbling to dust. Nothing could ever be easy, no, not with Arthur. Not with god damn destiny.</p>
<p>„I cannot just wait for him to come around! I feel like dying inside!“ <em>I need him. </em>Merlin was close to yelling.</p>
<p>„Young warlock, you must have faith in him! He is meant to be the king of Camelot after all. Your souls have met an eternity ago, they are like two sides of the 
same coin. You belong with each other. Maybe it is time for you to let him see you for who you really are.“</p>
<p>Merlin almost dropped the torch. „I can't. If he discovers I have magic now, he might- No. Not yet.“ He got to his feet.</p>
<p>At least he knew what he wanted now. What he had to do. But it was not the right time to reveal to Arthur he was a sorcerer all along, not now.</p>
<p>Merlin couldn't risk him feeling betrayed, he was too afraid. There was too much at stake already.</p>
<p>So Merlin ran, for the third time this day, like he was being chased by the devil himself.</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>Since he was not his servant anymore, Merlin knew he wouldn't be allowed to simply barge into the prince's chambers.</p>
<p>He did still have the key, which Arthur had not collected from him yet, since he always carried it and had taken it with him without thinking when he ran off.</p>
<p>It was about to be dark again, but especially at night the royal chambers were attentively guarded.</p>
<p>So, Merlin had to figure out a way to not seem like an intruder, but still be able to catch Arthur alone.</p>
<p>What if Arthur had already informed everyone of his dismissal? He could not risk facing the prince in public.</p>
<p>They needed to figure this out in private, behind closed doors, without anyone listening in.</p>
<p>Using the pretence of only passing by to give back his keys was an option. He would risk being turned away quickly, though.</p>
<p>Merlin knew he had to be smart about this, which felt nearly impossible, given the fact that his brain was mush and his heart was performing constant palpitations.</p>
<p>First, he decided to go back to his room.</p>
<p>Gaius was out, surely to give Morgana treatment for her nightmares, maybe to give sleep aid to other patients, as he did so many evenings.</p>
<p>Merlin realized he was still kind of dirty. A night on the ground had certainly dishevelled him. Time to pick the pine needles out of his hair.</p>
<p>He couldn't face Arthur like that.</p>
<p>A wash, a change of clothes and a hot minute of panicked fussing with his boots later, he decided he needed to go now.</p>
<p>Otherwise he would miss his chance today, and he didn't want to be sent away by the guards telling him not to disturb the prince's rest.</p>
<p>This couldn't wait.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Bear with me, certainty is upon us. It won't be long until we all get what we want! Also, I'm updating the tags as I go, maybe I'll have to up the rating at some point, we'll see.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Arthur had closed the window when the air turned colder, biting at his exposed forearms.</p><p>He shoved his sleeves down and looked around the room. It was looking different than usual.</p><p>Sure, Merlin hadn't been the perfect servant, but his room used to be cleaner while his servant had accomplished his duties in a more concentrated manner.</p><p>The prince sighed. The first step to coming down from his high horse to fix this whole madness would be to sort this out himself.</p><p>He wasn't a toddler anymore who could throw his toys around and expect everyone to clean up after him.</p><p>Well, he could have that. But now he felt that it made him seem irresponsible and selfish.</p><p>Yes, selfish. That word had the right ring to what he felt like, in hindsight, he had been very much so.</p><p>Self-absorbed was what Merlin would call him, if he ever made him that angry. In fact, Arthur quite enjoyed his servant stepping out of line once in a while.</p><p>He really had to admit that Merlin was probably the only thing keeping him from growing as arrogant and self-serving as his father could be, more than just sometimes.</p><p>Uther tried to be a good king, but he surely would not do this, Arthur thought while picking up stray pieces of clothing.</p><p>He decided to collect them in a basket for laundry, he could get it taken care of tomorrow.</p><p> </p><p>Next, the prince closed the decanter of wine on the table and realized that in fact, he didn't even have dinner yet.</p><p>It was kinda late for that, but surely he could get something from the kitchens. <em>I don't feel like I can just eat now, </em>he thought.</p><p>The situation with Merlin had done it's best to spoil his appetite. Arthur stood in the middle of the room, at a loss of what to do.</p><p>He couldn't concentrate on court matters now. Reading would surely be for naught as well.</p><p>Going after Merlin to try and fix everything immediately was far from wise, wherever Merlin was, it was unlikely for Arthur to find him or his friend to be ready to talk this out.</p><p><em>Friends, are we even that anymore?</em> Oh, it stung. And he deserved it.</p><p>Resignating, the prince decided there was no point in staying awake anymore. The castle had gone to sleep, or would soon, and so should he.</p><p>Alone in the room, he didn't need to undress behind the wooden screen, but he still threw his garments over the top, like he always did for Merlin to collect it.</p><p>But he wouldn't. Maybe Arthur should get used to doing these things himself. The thought of finding a replacement for his servant didn't exactly please him.</p><p>To be honest, he found it appalling. He didn't have one before Merlin, he didn't want one after him. He really didn't want anyone else.</p><p>Getting used to the man had been a pain in the ass, but now he couldn't just let him go. <em>Which is exactly what you did, you idiot.</em></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>But, Arthur realized as he got under the covers of his bed, this was not about losing a servant.</p><p>This was about losing his best friend. His best friend, who he was in love with. <em>Fucking hell.</em></p><p>His father would have Merlin hanged, no, drawn and quartered if he knew. So it was essential that Uther would not find out about this.</p><p>Arthur really wanted to go to sleep, for this horrible day to finally be over. He could try to make a plan, to make it right tomorrow.</p><p>Of course, sleep was not easily granted to him. He tossed and turned until he finally chose to get up.</p><p>Annoyed, the prince stomped over to the table and grabbed the wine, carrying it over to his bedside table. He took a swig and sat down on the covers.</p><p><em>Damn, why is it so bloody cold in here?</em> He threw a glance across the room and in the darkness, he realized that yes, of course it was cold.</p><p>Merlin hadn't lit the fireplace in the evening to warm up the room. How could he have, after being dismissed like that?</p><p>Arthur wanted to punch himself. He chugged the wine down, the sour taste lingering on his tongue.</p><p>At least the alcohol could warm his stupid heart and his cold feet from the inside. Wrapping himself up in his blanket, there he sat and sulked.</p><p>By the time the prince had fallen asleep, the wine was empty.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Normally, Arthur really enjoyed being woken by the sun.</p><p>It had become a rare occasion, since he only gave Merlin the morning off for special occasions and he himself was usually busy quite early.</p><p>So, after the initial contentment, he jumped out of bed as if stung by a bee.</p><p>Of course the young man had forgotten about the wine bottle, which clashed to the ground, bursting.</p><p>He didn't give much thought to it being empty, instead he carefully stepped around it to avoid cutting his feet open and rushed to the wardrobe.</p><p>It was late, he was late, he needed to get ready. His quickstart to blame, Arthur held his head when he noticed the room spun a little.</p><p>There was a big headache coming, he was sure, but there was no time to waste.</p><p>After a panicked cat bath and a change of attire, the prince noticed his lack of ready breakfast.</p><p>Arthur sighed. Yes, that was different, too.</p><p>He really was more used to Merlin than he would have ever admitted. How lazy and dependent he had become.</p><p>Still, he was starving, feeling dehydrated and a quite bit nauseous.</p><p>So, Arthur decided to go down to the kitchens, grab something quick and then continue with searching for Merlin.</p><p>Normally, there was training down in the yard, but his knights could manage without him.</p><p>He was too late now anyway. </p><p>Anyone walking by would have seen the prince of Camelot rushing out his rooms, running like lighting,</p><p>with tousled hair and more than just a little bit pale around the royal nose.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, yes, another Arthur POV. Much needed to keep the balance, also we wanted our prince to learn from his mistakes, did we not?<br/>The current circumstances to blame, I have a lot more time on my hands than anticipated, which I will try to use for this story. I hope this helps discract you all a little from the madness &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The kitchen staff was very much confused by their visitor, busy with preparing the royal meals.</p><p>Arthur tried not to cause much of a fuss and just helped himself to some bread and a slice of ham, but as he turned to leave again, an idea struck him.</p><p>If he found Merlin, what would he do? Would he even want to talk?</p><p>So, Arthur stopped in his tracks and decided that bringing an apologetic gift, something like a peace offering, could be helpful.</p><p>He knew that his friend relished the occasions on which the prince shared meals with him.</p><p>A servant of the court was fed, surely, but not used to the delightful quality with which Arthur was pampered daily. But what to choose?</p><p>Something special? He was interrupted in his train of thought by the lead chef. „Do you need something, sire?“</p><p>A small woman about three times his age stood in front of him, wiping her hands on her apron, dusty from flour.</p><p>She eyed the prince with scepticism, her thin lips crinkled into a smile. No wonder, he didn't visit the kitchens frequently at all.</p><p>„Um.. I was thinking of bringing a treat. To...uh, a friend“, Arthur stumbled over his words. The old lady winked at him with both of her eyes, cat-like.</p><p>„Ah. Someone with a sweet tooth, maybe?“ Arthur nodded.</p><p>He remembered Merlin's longing glances, directed at those fine baked goods sometimes served as dessert.</p><p>His friend might have thought he didn't notice him sneaking one away when Arthur had been particularly annoying that day.</p><p>He always let him, sweets weren't Arthur's favourite thing anyways. Also, Merlin's scrawny shape could use it.</p><p>„Well, you're in luck then, my prince! The king has requested hazelnut and honey pastries for the visitor later this day.“ She laughed, resting her hands on her hips.</p><p>„But I am sure it can't hurt for you to take some. Those men are fed well enough, dontcha think?“</p><p>She hurried around the kitchen and found him a small basket, into which she put four of the mentioned pastries, covering them in cloth to keep the warmth inside.</p><p>„These are perfect. Thank you!“ Arthur received the basket and made his way to the stairs.</p><p>The chef lady called after him to enjoy the goods, shaking her head in amusement.</p><p> </p><p>Rushing upstairs, Arthur realized what she had said.</p><p>Mentioned visitor had passed his mind entirely, now he remembered that his father planned to welcome an old friend, a scholar, and he was supposed to take part in the greeting.</p><p>Arthur knew he couldn't get out of that, not after being distracted all week long. He shouldn't aggravate Uther any more than he already did.</p><p>But if he could find Merlin first, maybe he could manage apologizing before he needed to sit through his father reminiscing about being young and whatnot.</p><p>He wouldn't have much time to search, though. So, the prince inhaled his meager breakfast on the way to the court physicians quarters.</p><p>Arthur prayed for Merlin to just be there, he wouldn't endure not having clarity for much longer, much less be able to concentrate during talks with his father.</p><p>When the prince arrived in front of Gaius' door, his heart was racing. Sure, he had hurried to get here, but he was too well in shape to blame it on that.</p><p>Also he was feeling a bit sick to his stomach, and not only because of that darn bottle of wine. Gods, he was scared shitless.</p><p>Arthur adjusted his shirt, grabbed the handle of the pastry basket tightly in his left hand and took a deep breath. He knocked, twice.</p><p>When the door opened a few seconds later, he felt his heart sink into his stomach. It was Gaius, who looked a little surprised to see him. „Sire!“</p><p>Arthur glanced over the older man's shoulder into the room. The door to Merlin's chamber was closed, and his friend was nowhere to be seen.</p><p>„Gaius, have you seen Merlin?“ He bit his lips. The court physician took a step back to invite the prince in.</p><p>„I'm afraid I was just about to ask you the same question. It appears Merlin did not come home last night, and has been missing since then. I only noticed when I found his room empty this morning.“</p><p> </p><p>Arthur felt his knees go weak. He grabbed the nearest table for support, the knuckles on his hand holding onto the basket going white. „Shit.“</p><p>Gaius' expression displayed true concern due to the prince's reaction. „I guessed he might be with you. So he was not?“</p><p>Arthur swallowed hard. „I- No. Well, he was. But not for hours.“ <em>You did this. You sent him away. </em></p><p>Guilt rose up in his stomach like bile, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Panic spread through his chest, palpable like fire burning his skin.</p><p>He set down the basket on the table. „Gaius, if you see him, tell him I'm sorry. This is for Merlin. I need to go.“</p><p>His fingers slipped from the wooden surface, imprint white on his skin, so tightly had he grabbed it. What had he done? He needed to find Merlin, now.</p><p>Arthur rushed out of the room, leaving a puzzled physician behind. Worry fed on the young Pengragon's guts, gnawing at his heart.</p><p>It was so unlike Merlin to run from anything. They had faced dragons, griffins, sorcerers, creatures so frightening like spun from his own personal nightmares.</p><p>But if this had made his friend bolt and leave without a trace, without even alerting Gaius, Arthur knew he must have hurt him deeper than he had thought.</p><p><em>He might never forgive you. </em>Vile thoughts were whispering relentlessly in the back of his mind. He had to cut them out. He had to find him.</p><p>At the entrance to the inner castle, Arthur stopped. But where should he begin to look? He could think of possible hiding spots, a few came to mind.</p><p>The stables, maybe? The dungeons? Merlin was sneaky, he knew the details of the castle grounds incredibly well.</p><p>Arthur decided there were far too many possibilities. He was running out of time. Then, he saw a flash of violet in the courtyard, he rushed towards it.</p><p><em>Gwen, thank god!</em> She was carrying a bucket. „Gwen!“ She spun around. „Arthur- I mean, mylord.“</p><p>She was clearly flustered at first, but given his expression, she caught herself and turned serious in a matter of seconds. „What's the matter?“</p><p>Arthur was out of breath from his sprint across the yard. „Gwen, please tell me you have seen Merlin anywhere?“</p><p> </p><p>She had not. The panic in his chest joined the worry torturing his insides, he felt like throwing up.</p><p>After explaining roughly what had happened and enduring a very well deserved scolding, they decided to inform Morgana as well.</p><p>Arthur noted in the back of his mind to never, never ever, make Gwen that angry again.</p><p>He had never seen her this determined and the enraged glances she shot him made him duck intuitively.</p><p>Morgana was not much better, but she resolved to giving Arthur a piece of her mind when Merlin was found, since she didn't want to waste any time.</p><p>She was right. The girls made clear to him that maybe, him joining the search party was not a good idea at all.</p><p>Arthur protested at first, but begrudgingly agreed after realizing that yes, maybe they wouldn't find Merlin if he came along.</p><p>If Merlin never wanted to see him again, they had a better chance of him revealing himself if Arthur was left behind.</p><p>It broke his heart just to think of it as a realistic option.</p><p>Morgana reminded him that she was supposed to join the welcoming feast for their visitor as well, and Uther would not turn a blind eye to both of them missing.</p><p>The least he could to was appease his father and keep an eye out, if Merlin was to miraculously show up on castle grounds. So it was decided.</p><p>Gwen hurried on to ready the horses, while Morgana changed and fetched her armour. Nobody knew what they would encounter, so it was a wise choice.</p><p>Arthur had faith in her fighting skills, he really did. But he felt useless.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted to avoid that feeling overwhelming him by helping Morgana into her armour, making sure everything was strapped in place.</p><p>They didn't speak as he fastened the buckles on her arms. Arthur reached for her sword, he offered it to her with both hands, just like Merlin always did to him.</p><p>It was a simple gesture, but it displayed trust and respect. Morgana's eyes met his as she took it, securing it by her side.</p><p>„He's important to me too. I will bring him back", she reassured him. They usually bickered a lot, Arthur rarely showed any vulnerability to his adopted sister.</p><p>But that's what she was, and she could read him like a book.</p><p>She laid a hand on his shoulder, smiling weakly. „I promise. We don't want Gwen to kill you, if anything happened to him, don't we?“</p><p>Arthur huffed, taking her hand in his, squeezing lightly. „I suppose not. Thank you for this, Morgana.“ Then she set to leave. In the doorframe, she turned.</p><p>„Promise me not to do anything stupid.“ He nodded, then she was gone.</p><p>Arthur walked over to the window in Morganas chamber, watching until he couldn't see her and Gwen anymore.</p><p><em>If anything happened to him.</em> What if Merlin was hurt, or worse, dead? Arthur felt like being punched in the guts.</p><p>He wouldn't forgive himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oof. Some more retrospection. I really want to tell the whole story, you know? Let me know what your thoughts are! Comments really keep me going, and I appreciate every single kudos. Hope ya love it! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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